


I hate you (I love you)

by 10hour10minute



Series: that SoonHoon story [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, i love soonhoon i don't know why i like to hurt my feelings, its probably shitty, probably has a lot of typos, this is my first fic help me, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 06:27:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8001895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10hour10minute/pseuds/10hour10minute
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i hate you<br/>i love you<br/>i hate that i love you</p>
            </blockquote>





	I hate you (I love you)

Feeling used  
But I’m still missing you

 

Soonyoung opens his eyes to rake over the empty space on the other side of his bed. He looks to his right, trying to look for any signs of the other boy. Nothing. He sighs. What’s new?

He gets out of his bed and into the bathroom, washing his face and grabbing his toothbrush before going on with his morning routine. He dressed and went out of his apartment, going to that one place where he can forget his troubles even just for a moment.

 

And I can’t see the end of this  
Just wanna feel your kiss against my lips

 

He arrives at the dance studio, placing his bag on a chair beside the speakers and playing a slow music. He warms up and changes the song to something faster and more upbeat, something that gives him an excuse to think about nothing else but the way his muscles move.

Soonyoung just wants to forget. He wants to forget about last night, about the ghost of his touch against his skin and the feel of those lips against his. He wants to forget how he once again surrendered himself to Jihoon, just like last time. And the time before that.

But he can’t

 

And now all this time is passing by  
And I just can’t seem to tell you why

 

It wasn’t always like this. Jihoon and he were great friends, best friends even. They met in high school when he heard Jihoon play his favorite tune on the piano and sang along to it. His voice was beautiful. It was melodious, calming, something Soonyoung wouldn’t mind hearing for the rest of his life. There was an awkward talk after that, but they eventually warmed up to each other.

The feelings of friendship eventually turned to love for Soonyoung. He could not pinpoint when it started. All he knew was that one day he was laughing at something Jihoon was saying and the next he was staring at Jihoon in awe, his laughing face giving Soonyoung the butterflies.

 

It hurts me every time I see you  
Realize how much I need you

 

He thought he had a chance. He was the best friend, he knows Jihoon the best. He realized how making Jihoon smile made him feel so accomplished, so complete. And when he asks him to listen to a melody he made, or wanting to dance with him, Soonyoung feels hope blossom from the pit of his stomach.

He thought he had a chance. But Jihoon suddenly came to him one day, babbling about how ‘that cute guy I’ve liked since the start of composition class got partnered with me. Now is my chance!’

It was then that he realized that he was his best friend. And that he can only be his best friend.

 

All alone I watch you watch her  
She is the only thing you ever see  
How is it you never noticed that you are slowly killing me?

 

They started hanging out less after that. Jihoon didn’t want the guy to think he’s dating Soonyoung, in fear of ‘losing his chance’. And Soonyoung was his best friend. Of course he will support him, even if his own heart is at stake.

Then Jihoon called. He was crying. ‘We couldn’t be together,’ he sobbed ‘he’s seeing someone else.’ He rushed to his place in an effort to comfort him. But one thing led to another and the next thing they knew, they were together on the sheets, naked.

To Soonyoung, it was the closest thing to his dream coming true. But to Jihoon, it was a nightmare. He woke up to a note telling him it was a mistake that should never happen again; that maybe they should take some time away from each other to let things settle back; that they should forget about that night and continue on as best friends. Soonyoung cried, tears falling on the bitter smile on his face.

He was his best friend. He could do that much.

So Soonyoung tried to act as normal as he could. He never mentioned about that night, or about that guy. After a few days of awkwardness they started hanging out as they used to before, that fateful night remaining as a memory in the depths on Soonyoung’s mind.

But then it happened again.

And again.

And again.

And somehow, it became a routine. Jihoon would cry over some other guy and he would call Soonyoung. They would have sex and fall asllep; and Jihoon would be gone before Soonyoung wakes up. Soonyoung would cry and go on his way; and act normal again.

He was breaking, but he could do this much.

For Jihoon, he would do so much.

 

I hate you  
I love you  
I hate that I love you  
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you

 

Soonyoung’s legs gave way after vigorously dancing for hours. He leaned on the mirrored walls, trying to catch his breath. He reached for his bag to grab a water bottle when his phone rang.

It was Jihoon.

He remembered that Jihoon was supposed to be on a ‘date’ with that guy. Him calling probably means that it did not go as he planned.  
Soonyoung suddenly felt tired. He was tired of his world revolving around Jihoon; tired af always falling for his wishes so easily; tired of always having to sacrifice his heart to give some semblance of healing to Jihoon’s; tired of not being his first choice, of always being his rebound.

He couldn’t continue on like this. He doesn’t think his heart could take it anymore.

Soonyoung grabbed his phone and stared at the caller ID for a few more moments. He made up his mind. With a heavy heart and tears flowing down his cheeks, he rejected the call and turned off his phone.

 

I hate you  
I love you  
I hate that I love you  
You want her  
You need her  
And I will never be her

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first Soonhoon fic and idk if i'm doing this right or if i'm doing this well but i just really like the song even if it's so painful. 
> 
> as the tag says, it's probably shitty but meh


End file.
